I’m loosing.
Infertility is winning.
After 10+ long years this is the first time I’ve felt hopeless. I very rarely get cycles. But every time someone in my life gets the miracle of getting and staying pregnant I’ve always been extremely happy for them.
So might I repeat… I’m loosing. I’m loosing, time, money, patience… hope. I’m loosing every time I go shopping and see that happy family I desperately want to give my husband. I’m loosing when I wake up and need to take a pregnancy test just in case this is actually it. I’m loosing when I read success stories just to find out their version of success is after 3 long months. I’m loosing when I convince myself I’m pregnant. I’m loosing when I give myself the hope and say it will be my turn soon.
Because for the first time in 10 years, I’ve never felt more empty. Not only for the emptiness in my womb, but from the emptiness in my heart. From every pregnancy test, blood test, failed cycle, medications, injection, timed intercourse, ultrasound, acupuncture, healthy diet, temp taking, ovulation tracking, breast tenderness, nausea, and phantom pregnancy symptom I’ve ever had.
I still have the hope that I’m not loosing and just having a bad day but, a bad 10 years is starting to feel more like it will never be turn.
Maybe for some it only rains and the rainbow never comes.
